Tough Couple of Months

 I haven't caught up for a while, and my brain has been in such a fog the past several weeks I figured I had better capture some of my thoughts before they all disappear in a haze.  I have to go back to April to get the full picture of what has been rolling through my life. Some of it has been good, but all of it has left me drained, depressed, and just out of sorts. 

Emma and Mike finally decided they were in a position to start house hunting. The townhouse was just too small for their growing family.  On the one hand it was exciting to be able to start into this next chapter of their lives, but on the other hand the Utah market has been experiencing a market bubble that has had buyers offering tens of thousands of dollars in cash above appraised values because there is such a housing shortage in the state. That meant that Emma and Mike really didn't have the luxury of pondering their selections.... after not even being considered on several offers in the Davis/Weber County areas they pretty much just started making offers on anything decent that would accommodate their family.  I went out with Emma one day and the first house we looked at had such problems and was priced so high I was fearful of them even being able to find a house that the VA would approve (they were purchasing via a VA Loan).  They did finally find a house way out in Tooele that accepted their offer around early or mid-April.  

Well, with the market bubble in my favor, and the HOA at PG Villas becoming more and more miserable, I decided it would be a good time to sell the townhouse.  As quickly as Emma and Mike were under contract I listed a for-sale-by-owner listing on the facebook marketplace.  Three days later I showed the townhouse to 7 people and I was under contract that very night.  I listed it for $305k and accepted an offer of $320,100.  My net proceeds will be enough to pay off my Brigham City property and install the fencing that I need..... Although I decided that I am going to leave a $25k balance on the mortgage and celebrate by taking all of my kids and grandkids on a Disney cruise in October.  WootWoot!

The tricky part would be in coordinating the two closings so that I would have time to clean and paint the townhouse.  Emma & Mike closed on the 20th of April and my closing was scheduled for the 30th of April, so that gave ten days to help them move out, and then clean and paint. The cleaners I hired to do a deep clean had no clue what a deep clean is, and they did such a lousy job that I hired Amber to come in an really clean the place.  The thing that sucked about those ten days was that I still had to go back to Brigham City every night to take care of my dogs and I still had to make it to work 3 days a week.... although I did use one vacation day on Friday the 23rd to work on the townhouse.  All of the work, the long days, and the driving had me exhausted. The painting was the worst.  I decided I would rather mask really well and then spray the paint instead of rolling the paint.  I forgot how heavy a paint sprayer feels after lifting it up and down for a few hours.  Dakota came to help me on Sunday the 25th when I got the to the upper floor, and between the stairs, the ladder, and lifting the sprayer up and down, our bodies were so sore that I ended up calling in sick the next morning. I remember driving home that Sunday night and digging paint out of my nose.  We had tried to wear masks, but we still inhaled too much paint I am sure. I had the air conditioner turned on, but it was still too warm and many of the vents were covered with plastic.  I never got to the bedrooms or bathroom on the east side, where all of the psychedelic rooms were, but I was satisfied that I had provided a lot more than was necessary.

Through all of that, Sandy had been feeling sick, so if I was heading home at a decent hour I would check in with her and pick up a happy meal or a smoothie for her as I was passing through Ogden.  We figured it was her typical annual bout of bronchitis that seems to hit her every year. 

I ended up being able to sign my side of the closing documents on the evening of the 29th so that I would not have to drive all the way back to Salt Lake on the 30th just to sign papers.  I stopped by Sandy's that evening and she really was not doing well and was coughing and struggling to breathe.  She assured me that she had an appointment at the clinic the next day so I left.  The next day at the clinic they determined that her oxygen was low enough that they wanted to admit her, so she spent the next 3 nights in the hospital and I went up to keep her company a couple of those evenings. They ran tests, but they couldn't find anything.  She'd had like 9 covid tests in recent months and all of them were negative. Earlier in the month her wrist had been operated on for carpel tunnel, so I was wondering if she had gotten some kind of infection from the hospital itself during that surgery.  Some of the tests would take a while to come back, but one of the suspicions that started to be discussed was that she had recently tried a vape pen.  

Vaping is a big craze that has hit the past several years as a more socially acceptable form of smoking.  It's still just as dangerous from the standpoint of the nicotine, but it's an electronic device that heats oils (I think.... not exactly sure how they work) and all that is exhaled is water vapor, so there is not second-hand smoke to worry about. However, some of the pens or the oil cartridges have started to be linked to lung damage called popcorn lung, and a lot of young people have been hospitalized with serious lung issues.  Sandy had tried it with a thc cartridge.  She was able to get a medical marijuana card last year and had opted to try using marijuana to address some of her issues that she was previously abusing narcotics and alcohol to address. She thought that she was opting for a safer alternative.  She had mostly used other types of dosing such as the gummies, but I think April was the first time she tried it via a vaping pen. I could have some of the details wrong, but that is the gist of everything leading up to this.  

So she was in the hospital for 3 days, they were able to get her oxygen levels stabilized, and they sent her home with an oxygen line, which she did not like at all.  She couldn't go upstairs with it, which is where her shower was, and the portable canisters did not seem to be charging fully when she hooked them up to fill them, so she was pretty much stuck downstairs.  But apparently the antibiotics and steroids had helped because she was feeling better.  Mom came and spent the day with her one day and she got her house all cleaned and mom helped wash her hair in the kitchen sink.  We thought she was on the mend, especially since they could not find anything in her tests.  But after about a week she started feeling lousy again.  One night around 10 pm she called and was upset and said that she had gone to let the dogs out and the next thing she knew she was waking up laying on her living room floor with the door wide open and the dogs still on their leashes running around her.  I asked her if she wanted me to come sit with her a while and she started crying so I drove up there and stayed until around 1 am to make sure she was able to calm down and see what I could do for her.  A day or so later I was coming back from somewhere and stopped in to check on her.  Mom had been there that day and had tried to get her to go back to the hospital because every time she got up to go to the bathroom or let her dogs out her oxygen would drop dangerously low. She got into mom's truck, but was afraid she would pass out and did not want mom to have to deal with that so she refused to go to the hospital and went back in the house.  I got there a few hours later and convinced her to let me take her to the ER. We had the portable oxygen canister with us, but her oxygen was still dropping into the 60s (it's supposed to stay above 90).  I told her to stop talking and to take deep breaths through her nose and by the time we got to the ER she was getting readings in the high 80s and low 90s.  That was either the 15th or the 16th of May. They promptly put her back in the hospital.  While the nurse was interviewing her and asking what prompted her to come back I mentioned that she had passed out a couple of days earlier and Sandy turned and looked at me and said, "That's not true... I never passed out".  I reminded her that was the whole reason I had come to sit with her until 1 am.  She said she remembers being upset, but she could not remember passing out.  They took a chest x-ray and could definitely see something going on in her left lung that was causing cloudiness, but they probably would not be able to make a definite diagnosis until they were able to do a biopsy, which would involve a surgical procedure to go it and cut pieces of tissue out of her lung to have analyzed. So she was admitted and we started a long and arduous process of waiting for her lungs to get well enough that they could do a biopsy.  They were giving her a lot of steroids, and did more tests, and she was put on a better oxygen mask to help keep her oxygen levels up, but her oxygen would still drop any time she tried eating or taking medication.  They ended up putting her on a bi-pap machine that would force air into her lungs and she was no longer allowed to walk to the bathroom and was so upset when they started having her utilize a diaper and a bed pan.  She cried and cried.  It was so heartbreaking when she would cry, but then she could turn around and cheer up and chat with me.  She had me fill out a Power of Attorney and Health Directive naming Dakota as her representative in the event that she was unable to communicate, but we were sure it would not be necessary. We knew that as soon as the steroids got the inflammation under control then she would start improving.  We all tried to visit her and I wanted to try and make sure she did not have to spend too many hours alone.  I really had issues with one particular nurse one day because I had been working in Logan, and had been driving down to spend my evenings with her every night, and now this nurse would not let me in because of some rule they had.  I just sat in the courtyard and cried.  We all tried to keep her spirits up.... Dakota was there frequently, and Troy and Tonia, and Mom when she could get over there.  Mom was sick for a few days and did not go up, but we all brought word puzzles and coloring books and whatever else we could think of for her.  Within a couple of days the right lung was also showing signs of inflammation, and they still had not been able to make a definitive diagnosis.  The leading theory was still a lung injury caused from vaping.  

On the 22nd of May she voluntarily agreed to be intubated with a respirator, but it was with the assumption that it was just for a couple of days so that they could do the biopsy.  Her oxygen levels were not staying high enough with the bi-pap machine to perform the biopsy, so we all understood that having the respirator would allow them to do the biopsy and then in a couple of days the tube would be removed and she could go back to the bi-pap machine.  The first couple of days with the respirator she could wake up and would write notes to us since she could not speak.  She assured us that she was not in pain and we assured her it would only be for a couple of days.  The doctors and nurses were really surprised to see her awake and writing messages because most people with that level of sedatives would be pretty much asleep.... we told them that it did not surprise us at all that she would have such a high tolerance for sedatives.  With her acting so optimistic, and the physical therapist coming in to help her sit at the edge of the bed and move her arms and legs, we really had not started to get really concerned. She still insisted that Dakota post another picture of her on Facebook as she had been doing daily updates for all of her friends.  We started a GoFundMe campaign to help with her rent and bills because it was looking more and more like this was going to be a long recovery.  Dakota and I had already been thinking that she would not be able to live alone during her recovery.  

Then around day 3-4 on the respirator we came in and her chest, neck, and face were all swollen.  Apparently her lung tissues were so fragile that the settings of the respirator that kept her lungs inflated had basically blown a hole in her left lung, so there was subcutaneous air leaking out and it was trapped under her skin in those areas.  They lowered the peep setting on the respirator to try and resolve that, but she had to be more heavily sedated and her oxygen levels still were not staying high enough to do a biopsy.  What was supposed to be two days ended up being two weeks of hell.  Early on they would still wake her enough in the mornings to test whether they could lower the respirator settings, and we could get her to squeeze our hands.  If I played some good rock music she might even try to dance with her shoulders.  However, she was still having a hard time keeping her oxygen levels up.  They ended up trying something that was commonly used with covid patients where they added a nitrous oxide line and turned her on her stomach.  I guess the lungs sit closer to the back, so by putting them on their stomach it would relieve pressure on the lungs, and the nitrous oxide would help to open the aveoli so that the oxygen could more easily pass from the lungs into the bloodstream.  This required putting her into a deeper sleep with a heavier paralytic because of the discomfort it would cause, so she was no longer able to interact with us at all.  It also caused her face to swell again whenever she was on her stomach.  They would put her on her stomach for 24-36 hours, and then put her on her back for 24-36 hours.  I think June 2nd was when we really got gobsmacked and came to the realization that she was not going to survive.  The doctors explained that even though they had stopped the advancement of the inflammation, all of the lung tissues that had been damaged were beginning to harden and it would just be a matter of time until the respirator blew a hole in her right lung as well.  I think we all have just cried every day since.  A family meeting was arranged with the doctors for June 5th where we would have a more clear discussion about what our options were, but none of those options entailed Sandy ever leaving the hospital.  We started sharing with the family that she was not going to make it and Susan flew up from Texas. 

At the beginning of the meeting on the 5th I was still so naive and ignorant about where we were at.... I still thought we could wake Sandy up and that even though her prognosis was poor, she could participate in the decision making and have a chance to spend her final days or weeks interacting with us.  I was still operating on the assumption that even though she could not maintain her oxygen above 90, that I had seen her sitting and watching tv with me and talking to me when it was at 60 and surely we could wake her up and let her be on a bi-pap with her oxygen at 60 without succumbing immediately.  The doctor corrected me.  He said, "You do not understand.  She is well beyond that. At this point it would be medically irresponsible to wake her up to the trauma and pain and anxiety that she would experience.  To remove the respirator with her awake would be inhumane and unethical as it would subject her to suffocating... her lungs cannot hold any level of oxygen without the respirator." 

So there we were.  All of the options were essentially gone.  Even if we kept her on the respirator her lungs would continue to deteriorate and eventually her other organs would start to fail.  We asked how the general scenario goes once the respirator is removed and he said some people may continue days to weeks, or hours to days, but he was sure she would not continue more than several minutes. In the United States doctors are not allowed to hasten death, but in those cases where a patient's wishes are to not be forced to stay alive on a machine, the doctors are allowed to administer comfort measures to prevent pain, anxiety, or trauma. 

So we made the most heartbreaking decision, and on the morning of June 6th, I and Dakota and McKenna and my Mom were at Sandy's bedside as the respirator was removed.  Her oxygen levels promptly dropped to 8 then continued to drop as she took her final breaths and we said good-bye to our beloved sister, daughter, and mother.  I cannot believe that she is gone.  It was not supposed to be anything serious.  She was supposed to come home. What am I going to do without my sister?  She is the glue who has kept our family together. She has grand babies that need a grandma.   😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I have tried to see the small blessings, like the fact that it was not covid and that the hospitals had recently lifted the covid restrictions so that we were able to be with her these past weeks instead of her going through all of this completely alone, but the small blessings do not make up for this huge loss.  She was only 59 years old.  Way too young.  Another small blessing that we found out later that same morning, is that McKenna is expecting another baby.  Sandy has another grand baby on the way that she never even knew about. 

The next day I went in to work to update my boss and my co-workers since I had been missing so much work.  One of my co-workers is big into finding dimes..... she believes they are sent by her mom who passed away and she finds them in the most amazing places.  For Sandy it was pennies.... whenever she found a penny she believed it represented a loved one was watching over her.  She also liked dragonflies as a lot of people associate them with angels.  She had a little medallion with a dragonfly hanging from her car mirror with a little tag that says "Always in my Thoughts" to remember Jeff.  Well when I got home that afternoon I was walking up the steps to my house and right there on the handrail was a couple of little dragonflies.  They started to fly around and one of them landed right on my arm and just stayed there for several seconds.  I was amazed. I certainly hope that Sandy can be nearby and can comfort us when we need it in the future, but right now all I feel is loss, I have not mowed my lawn since all of this began, my house is a wreck, and I am so behind on so many projects.  I have started to reach out to others to help me with some projects, but I have mostly just sat exhausted and weary when I am not taking care of the bare essentials.  We have all tried to help Dakota and McKenna as they are faced with settling Sandy's final affairs, but it's been hard on everyone.